Thursday, September 8, 2011

1 month 4 weeks 1 day later...

It feels like a lifetime has passed me by...and at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday I saw you kicking a moving your little legs... It feels like a lifetime has passed me by...and at the same time it feels like I just had your little hand wrapped around my finger... It feels like a lifetime has passed me by... and at the same time it feels like I just gave you your last kiss.  I miss you more than anything.

If I should die before I wake, it's because you took my breath away... loosing you is like living in a world with no air.  I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave, my heart won't move, it's incomplete.  Wish there was a way that I could make you understand...

But how do you expect me to live alone with just me?  Because my world revolves around you, It's so hard for me to breath.  Tell me how I'm supposed to breath with no air?  Can't live...can't breath with no air.  It's how I feel whenever you aint there... no air...

But somehow I'm still alive took my breath but I survived.

I continue to live...

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The Two-Faced Woman:

A wink, a nod, "I'm fine," I say,

To people as they walk past.

But inside my heart is torn to shreds,

My smile is just a mask.

I'll sit and chat, maybe share a joke,

Or at least I'll really try.

But my genuine friends see through the smoke,

My empty eyes cannot lie.

At home I weep, feel down in despair,

My feelings I cannot hide.

From mother, family, friends,

I'm afraid they're along for the ride.

Those waves of grief, they still hit hard,

And knock me off my feet.

I'm waiting to find comfort,

I'm waiting for the the bitter to turn to sweet.

My baby now has Angel Wings,

In heaven she plays and rests.

But in my heart I have her love,

And for that, I'm eternally blessed.

Yes, I'm the two-faced woman,

It's a job that I have to do.

To get on in life without my baby,

Day, week, and whole year through.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Day of Hope.

Only people who are capable of
loving strongly can also suffer great
sorrow, but this same necessity of
loving serves to counteract their
grief and heals them.

Today was my 6-week follow up appointment.  Everything is good with me...and when I am ready to have another baby, they have a game plan to prevent this from happening again.  The Dr's appointment was hard.  Pregnant ladies and babies everywhere.  When I walked back to the room I could hear the heartbeats of babies.  The last time I heard that was 20 minutes before Sofia was born.  I know they have told me a million times...but I had to ask... was there really nothing I could have done to prevent this??  They gave me the same  She said I did everything I could have and fought as hard as I could.  In my mind, I will always search for something I could have done differently.  I was so angry, I am so angry.  It is so unfair.  I feel like there is something right in front of me that I NEED, but I can't reach it...I feel so helpless.
Life is like that though...  and there is nothing I can do to change anything that happened... I can't rewind... I can only move forward.  At times, I am OK.  I have been working and spending time with friends.  But, everything is just so different.  It is so unfair.  I will keep living though, one day at a time.
Today is a Day of Hope.
In society pregnancy, infant and child loss is seen as a taboo subject.

Why is this?

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened.

These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives. By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.

My daughter, Sofia Hart Castillo was born July 10, 2011 at 6:56AM.  She was perfect. She lived for a few short precious minutes, and for those minutes I held her and loved her.  She went to live with God feeling only love, which is all we want our babies to feel.
Today is a day of hope... 
Hope for the children around us, hope for strength, hope for tomorrow, hope for life. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


Well... I haven't been around, obviously, but I am still alive.  I returned to work yesterday...originally I wasn't going to return until the 22nd, but I figured nothing else was going to change.  Physcially I am "normal."  I even started my period on the 7th. 
I've been OK, for the most part.  I guess as OK as anyone can be.  I stopped crying for a while... I think more so because I was bitter/angry.  I stopped looking at the pictures every night , I stopped looking at baby stuff, I stopped expecting something to change, until last night.  I think I kind of realized, for a brief second, that this is the reality of everything that happened.  Laying in bed, by myself, thinking "I really am here, alone."  Yes, I have my family and friends, but at the end of the night, I go to sleep by myself, without being pregnant, without my baby. It is just so weird... I have moments of realizing that this is how it is...and moments of thinking I can't believe this is really how things are. 
Last night I looked at the pictures.  I always have her beautiful face in my mind, and I always remember the 1st time I saw her... and looking at the pictures I see real and so perfect.  Ten fingers...ten cutest pouty lips with the cutest little nose...long legs...finger nails...toe nails...everything. 
Today I felt a baby move.  Yesterday I heard an infant cry.  It's all so weird.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

In 2 days

This upcoming Thursday would have been my 24 week pregnancy mark.  Why couldn't things wait a little longer?  It has been 1 week and 2 days since Sofia was born.  My body is pretty much back to 'normal.'  I have finally stopped bleeding for the most part, which would have been wonderful if that happened


I still have a little milk, but I can wear my prepregnancy bras.  My clothes all fit how the did prepregnancy. My arm is still bruised from where a nurse accidently broke my vein.  I have two small holes on my hand where the IV was.  The IV that was giving me medicine which was supposed to stop the contractions.

I was on magnesium, and had to be given the highest dose.  When the contractions subsided for the most part, they turned it down from a 3 to a 2.5.  The night before Sofia was born it was a 2.5.  If it was a 3, would this all have still happened?  When I noticed contractions at 3AM, should I have asked for her to bump up the magnesium instead of taking nubain?? It wasn't like the contractions were something out of the orginary... and not nearly as painful as I had had previously. If I didn't get up to go to the bathroom, would my water still have broken?  Even though I had been told to frequently empty my bladder to keep the contractions away?

Was there really NOTHING that could have been done differently?  When Sofia was born, and I held her and told her how much I loved her, I kept telling her I was so sorry.   Why couldn't I keep her safe inside me?  This is so unfair and I hate it.  I keep thinking I wish I could go back or I wish I was still pregnant.   I still even feel my stomach at times then remember, oh there is nothing there.  I even think I feel her move sometimes, but she is not there, and when that happens, I stop breathing and try so hard to hold on to that moment because I want it to be real so bad. But, it isn't.    Nothing is how I wanted it, nothing is how it was supposed to be.

At least, nothing is how I thought it was supposed to be.

**edit, a fellow bumpie said this "I think the pain of an event like this is so severe, that even we women don't talk about it amongst ourselves... because there is nothing to talk about, I guess.  There are no answers that comfort us, no explanations that make us feel better.  A lost pregnancy is a time of mourning, but it isn't (at least it wasn't for me and my husband) a time when any comfort could be found."

I wanted to remember it.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

That was weird...

Yesterday was weird.

I went to lunch with two friends... ice cream in the evening with another... then to my nephew's (Sofia's dads sister's kids) birthday.

The lunch was nice... other than I had anxiety about being away from my house.  They picked me up, so I was a passenger not in control of the destination, which didn't help.  My one friend commented and said they felt pregnant (aka bloated), I replied that they did not know what that felt like (all while thinking I wish I could still feel that).

Ice cream was nice... I was picked up again.  We parked in the downtown mall parking lot and walked to the circle.  It was nice outside.

The birthday party was nice.  I love that side of my family, and even though Sofia's dad and I aren't together anymore, I always will, and they always will be my family.  My beautiful 2 year old step daughter, Yazmyn, was there.  I guess before I had gotten there, she kept asking where I was and that she wanted me to hold her while they did the pinatas.  She gets a little scared with loud noises.  When I got there she ran up to me and jumped in my arms yelling, "LIIINNNDSSEEYYY!"  I love her so much, and at that time I had the brief thought of, "Why won't I ever be able to have Sofia run up to me like that yelling 'MAMI!'"  The thought was interrupted with Yazmyn giving me a puzzling look and asking, "Where were you at?"

There was food, music, family, and babies.  Thank God for their lives and that they get to continue celebrating their birth.  A little girl started crying, which is to be expected with the overwhelming amount of children there were, and Yazmyn noticed.  She stopped dancing and kind of looked around for a moment until she spotted the solution to this little girls problem.  Yazmyn ran over, grabbed a giant yellow balloon, and handed it to the little girl.  In that moment, I was so proud of her, and couldn't help but think 'She would have been the best big sister.'

At the end, I loaded Yazmyn in to her Daddy's car, just like I always did.  'One arm in, two arms in, how many arms do you have?!  TWO!' I told her I would see her later and she insisted on knowing where I was going.  "Where you going?  Up to your seat?" (referring to the front passenger seat).  I replied, "No mama I am going home to my house..."  She looked at me confused, "You mean to grandma's?"  We would go to my mom's house often.  "No, where your princess bed is, remember?"  With a pondering look on her face she replied, "Oh..."  I asked her to give me a kiss,  "Dame un you." Which she replied with, "Love you too."

Time keeps moving on, birthdays keep happening, and people keep living.  Praise God for that.  But at this time, I am still stuck on July 10th.

Te quiero mucho Sofia, mi nina hermosa.  Siempre estas en mi corazon, siempre estas conmigo.