The Two-Faced Woman:


A wink, a nod, "I'm fine," I say,

To people as they walk past.

But inside my heart is torn to shreds,

My smile is just a mask.



I'll sit and chat, maybe share a joke,

Or at least I'll really try.

But my genuine friends see through the smoke,

My empty eyes cannot lie.



At home I weep, feel down in despair,

My feelings I cannot hide.

From mother, family, friends,

I'm afraid they're along for the ride.



Those waves of grief, they still hit hard,

And knock me off my feet.

I'm waiting to find comfort,

I'm waiting for the the bitter to turn to sweet.



My baby now has Angel Wings,

In heaven she plays and rests.

But in my heart I have her love,

And for that, I'm eternally blessed.



Yes, I'm the two-faced woman,

It's a job that I have to do.

To get on in life without my baby,

Day, week, and whole year through.

Day of Hope.

Only people who are capable of
loving strongly can also suffer great
sorrow, but this same necessity of
loving serves to counteract their
grief and heals them.

Today was my 6-week follow up appointment.  Everything is good with me...and when I am ready to have another baby, they have a game plan to prevent this from happening again.  The Dr's appointment was hard.  Pregnant ladies and babies everywhere.  When I walked back to the room I could hear the heartbeats of babies.  The last time I heard that was 20 minutes before Sofia was born.  I know they have told me a million times...but I had to ask... was there really nothing I could have done to prevent this??  They gave me the same response...no.  She said I did everything I could have and fought as hard as I could.  In my mind, I will always search for something I could have done differently.  I was so angry, I am so angry.  It is so unfair.  I feel like there is something right in front of me that I NEED, but I can't reach it...I feel so helpless.

Life is like that though...  and there is nothing I can do to change anything that happened... I can't rewind... I can only move forward.  At times, I am OK.  I have been working and spending time with friends.  But, everything is just so different.  It is so unfair.  I will keep living though, one day at a time.

Today is a Day of Hope.

In society pregnancy, infant and child loss is seen as a taboo subject.

Why is this?

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened.

These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives. By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.

My daughter, Sofia Hart Castillo was born July 10, 2011 at 6:56AM.  She was perfect. She lived for a few short precious minutes, and for those minutes I held her and loved her.  She went to live with God feeling only love, which is all we want our babies to feel.

Today is a day of hope... 

Hope for the children around us, hope for strength, hope for tomorrow, hope for life. 

...

Well... I haven't been around, obviously, but I am still alive.  I returned to work yesterday...originally I wasn't going to return until the 22nd, but I figured nothing else was going to change.  Physcially I am "normal."  I even started my period on the 7th. 

I've been OK, for the most part.  I guess as OK as anyone can be.  I stopped crying for a while... I think more so because I was bitter/angry.  I stopped looking at the pictures every night , I stopped looking at baby stuff, I stopped expecting something to change, until last night.  I think I kind of realized, for a brief second, that this is the reality of everything that happened.  Laying in bed, by myself, thinking "I really am here, alone."  Yes, I have my family and friends, but at the end of the night, I go to sleep by myself, without being pregnant, without my baby. It is just so weird... I have moments of realizing that this is how it is...and moments of thinking I can't believe this is really how things are. 

Last night I looked at the pictures.  I always have her beautiful face in my mind, and I always remember the 1st time I saw her... and looking at the pictures I see everything...so real and so perfect.  Ten fingers...ten toes...eyelashes...hair...the cutest pouty lips with the cutest little nose...long legs...finger nails...toe nails...everything. 

Today I felt a baby move.  Yesterday I heard an infant cry.  It's all so weird.