In 2 days

This upcoming Thursday would have been my 24 week pregnancy mark.  Why couldn't things wait a little longer?  It has been 1 week and 2 days since Sofia was born.  My body is pretty much back to 'normal.'  I have finally stopped bleeding for the most part, which would have been wonderful if that happened


WHILE I WAS PREGNANT!


I still have a little milk, but I can wear my prepregnancy bras.  My clothes all fit how the did prepregnancy. My arm is still bruised from where a nurse accidently broke my vein.  I have two small holes on my hand where the IV was.  The IV that was giving me medicine which was supposed to stop the contractions.

I was on magnesium, and had to be given the highest dose.  When the contractions subsided for the most part, they turned it down from a 3 to a 2.5.  The night before Sofia was born it was a 2.5.  If it was a 3, would this all have still happened?  When I noticed contractions at 3AM, should I have asked for her to bump up the magnesium instead of taking nubain?? It wasn't like the contractions were something out of the orginary... and not nearly as painful as I had had previously. If I didn't get up to go to the bathroom, would my water still have broken?  Even though I had been told to frequently empty my bladder to keep the contractions away?

Was there really NOTHING that could have been done differently?  When Sofia was born, and I held her and told her how much I loved her, I kept telling her I was so sorry.   Why couldn't I keep her safe inside me?  This is so unfair and I hate it.  I keep thinking I wish I could go back or I wish I was still pregnant.   I still even feel my stomach at times then remember, oh there is nothing there.  I even think I feel her move sometimes, but she is not there, and when that happens, I stop breathing and try so hard to hold on to that moment because I want it to be real so bad. But, it isn't.    Nothing is how I wanted it, nothing is how it was supposed to be.

At least, nothing is how I thought it was supposed to be.

**edit, a fellow bumpie said this "I think the pain of an event like this is so severe, that even we women don't talk about it amongst ourselves... because there is nothing to talk about, I guess.  There are no answers that comfort us, no explanations that make us feel better.  A lost pregnancy is a time of mourning, but it isn't (at least it wasn't for me and my husband) a time when any comfort could be found."


I wanted to remember it.