It feels like a lifetime has passed me by...and at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday I saw you kicking a moving your little legs... It feels like a lifetime has passed me by...and at the same time it feels like I just had your little hand wrapped around my finger... It feels like a lifetime has passed me by... and at the same time it feels like I just gave you your last kiss. I miss you more than anything.
If I should die before I wake, it's because you took my breath away... loosing you is like living in a world with no air. I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave, my heart won't move, it's incomplete. Wish there was a way that I could make you understand...
But how do you expect me to live alone with just me? Because my world revolves around you, It's so hard for me to breath. Tell me how I'm supposed to breath with no air? Can't live...can't breath with no air. It's how I feel whenever you aint there... no air...no air...
But somehow I'm still alive inside...you took my breath but I survived.
I continue to live...
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The Two-Faced Woman:
A wink, a nod, "I'm fine," I say,
To people as they walk past.
But inside my heart is torn to shreds,
My smile is just a mask.
I'll sit and chat, maybe share a joke,
Or at least I'll really try.
But my genuine friends see through the smoke,
My empty eyes cannot lie.
At home I weep, feel down in despair,
My feelings I cannot hide.
From mother, family, friends,
I'm afraid they're along for the ride.
Those waves of grief, they still hit hard,
And knock me off my feet.
I'm waiting to find comfort,
I'm waiting for the the bitter to turn to sweet.
My baby now has Angel Wings,
In heaven she plays and rests.
But in my heart I have her love,
And for that, I'm eternally blessed.
Yes, I'm the two-faced woman,
It's a job that I have to do.
To get on in life without my baby,
Day, week, and whole year through.
A wink, a nod, "I'm fine," I say,
To people as they walk past.
But inside my heart is torn to shreds,
My smile is just a mask.
I'll sit and chat, maybe share a joke,
Or at least I'll really try.
But my genuine friends see through the smoke,
My empty eyes cannot lie.
At home I weep, feel down in despair,
My feelings I cannot hide.
From mother, family, friends,
I'm afraid they're along for the ride.
Those waves of grief, they still hit hard,
And knock me off my feet.
I'm waiting to find comfort,
I'm waiting for the the bitter to turn to sweet.
My baby now has Angel Wings,
In heaven she plays and rests.
But in my heart I have her love,
And for that, I'm eternally blessed.
Yes, I'm the two-faced woman,
It's a job that I have to do.
To get on in life without my baby,
Day, week, and whole year through.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Day of Hope.
Only people who are capable of
loving strongly can also suffer great
sorrow, but this same necessity of
loving serves to counteract their
grief and heals them.
Today was my 6-week follow up appointment. Everything is good with me...and when I am ready to have another baby, they have a game plan to prevent this from happening again. The Dr's appointment was hard. Pregnant ladies and babies everywhere. When I walked back to the room I could hear the heartbeats of babies. The last time I heard that was 20 minutes before Sofia was born. I know they have told me a million times...but I had to ask... was there really nothing I could have done to prevent this?? They gave me the same response...no. She said I did everything I could have and fought as hard as I could. In my mind, I will always search for something I could have done differently. I was so angry, I am so angry. It is so unfair. I feel like there is something right in front of me that I NEED, but I can't reach it...I feel so helpless.
loving strongly can also suffer great
sorrow, but this same necessity of
loving serves to counteract their
grief and heals them.
Today was my 6-week follow up appointment. Everything is good with me...and when I am ready to have another baby, they have a game plan to prevent this from happening again. The Dr's appointment was hard. Pregnant ladies and babies everywhere. When I walked back to the room I could hear the heartbeats of babies. The last time I heard that was 20 minutes before Sofia was born. I know they have told me a million times...but I had to ask... was there really nothing I could have done to prevent this?? They gave me the same response...no. She said I did everything I could have and fought as hard as I could. In my mind, I will always search for something I could have done differently. I was so angry, I am so angry. It is so unfair. I feel like there is something right in front of me that I NEED, but I can't reach it...I feel so helpless.
Life is like that though... and there is nothing I can do to change anything that happened... I can't rewind... I can only move forward. At times, I am OK. I have been working and spending time with friends. But, everything is just so different. It is so unfair. I will keep living though, one day at a time.
Today is a Day of Hope.
In society pregnancy, infant and child loss is seen as a taboo subject.
Why is this?
August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened.
These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.
August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives. By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.
Why is this?
August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened.
These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.
August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives. By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.
My daughter, Sofia Hart Castillo was born July 10, 2011 at 6:56AM. She was perfect. She lived for a few short precious minutes, and for those minutes I held her and loved her. She went to live with God feeling only love, which is all we want our babies to feel.
Today is a day of hope...
Hope for the children around us, hope for strength, hope for tomorrow, hope for life.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
...
Well... I haven't been around, obviously, but I am still alive. I returned to work yesterday...originally I wasn't going to return until the 22nd, but I figured nothing else was going to change. Physcially I am "normal." I even started my period on the 7th.
I've been OK, for the most part. I guess as OK as anyone can be. I stopped crying for a while... I think more so because I was bitter/angry. I stopped looking at the pictures every night , I stopped looking at baby stuff, I stopped expecting something to change, until last night. I think I kind of realized, for a brief second, that this is the reality of everything that happened. Laying in bed, by myself, thinking "I really am here, alone." Yes, I have my family and friends, but at the end of the night, I go to sleep by myself, without being pregnant, without my baby. It is just so weird... I have moments of realizing that this is how it is...and moments of thinking I can't believe this is really how things are.
Last night I looked at the pictures. I always have her beautiful face in my mind, and I always remember the 1st time I saw her... and looking at the pictures I see everything...so real and so perfect. Ten fingers...ten toes...eyelashes...hair...the cutest pouty lips with the cutest little nose...long legs...finger nails...toe nails...everything.
Today I felt a baby move. Yesterday I heard an infant cry. It's all so weird.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
In 2 days
This upcoming Thursday would have been my 24 week pregnancy mark. Why couldn't things wait a little longer? It has been 1 week and 2 days since Sofia was born. My body is pretty much back to 'normal.' I have finally stopped bleeding for the most part, which would have been wonderful if that happened
WHILE I WAS PREGNANT!
I still have a little milk, but I can wear my prepregnancy bras. My clothes all fit how the did prepregnancy. My arm is still bruised from where a nurse accidently broke my vein. I have two small holes on my hand where the IV was. The IV that was giving me medicine which was supposed to stop the contractions.
I was on magnesium, and had to be given the highest dose. When the contractions subsided for the most part, they turned it down from a 3 to a 2.5. The night before Sofia was born it was a 2.5. If it was a 3, would this all have still happened? When I noticed contractions at 3AM, should I have asked for her to bump up the magnesium instead of taking nubain?? It wasn't like the contractions were something out of the orginary... and not nearly as painful as I had had previously. If I didn't get up to go to the bathroom, would my water still have broken? Even though I had been told to frequently empty my bladder to keep the contractions away?
Was there really NOTHING that could have been done differently? When Sofia was born, and I held her and told her how much I loved her, I kept telling her I was so sorry. Why couldn't I keep her safe inside me? This is so unfair and I hate it. I keep thinking I wish I could go back or I wish I was still pregnant. I still even feel my stomach at times then remember, oh there is nothing there. I even think I feel her move sometimes, but she is not there, and when that happens, I stop breathing and try so hard to hold on to that moment because I want it to be real so bad. But, it isn't. Nothing is how I wanted it, nothing is how it was supposed to be.
At least, nothing is how I thought it was supposed to be.
**edit, a fellow bumpie said this "I think the pain of an event like this is so severe, that even we women don't talk about it amongst ourselves... because there is nothing to talk about, I guess. There are no answers that comfort us, no explanations that make us feel better. A lost pregnancy is a time of mourning, but it isn't (at least it wasn't for me and my husband) a time when any comfort could be found."
I wanted to remember it.
WHILE I WAS PREGNANT!
I still have a little milk, but I can wear my prepregnancy bras. My clothes all fit how the did prepregnancy. My arm is still bruised from where a nurse accidently broke my vein. I have two small holes on my hand where the IV was. The IV that was giving me medicine which was supposed to stop the contractions.
I was on magnesium, and had to be given the highest dose. When the contractions subsided for the most part, they turned it down from a 3 to a 2.5. The night before Sofia was born it was a 2.5. If it was a 3, would this all have still happened? When I noticed contractions at 3AM, should I have asked for her to bump up the magnesium instead of taking nubain?? It wasn't like the contractions were something out of the orginary... and not nearly as painful as I had had previously. If I didn't get up to go to the bathroom, would my water still have broken? Even though I had been told to frequently empty my bladder to keep the contractions away?
Was there really NOTHING that could have been done differently? When Sofia was born, and I held her and told her how much I loved her, I kept telling her I was so sorry. Why couldn't I keep her safe inside me? This is so unfair and I hate it. I keep thinking I wish I could go back or I wish I was still pregnant. I still even feel my stomach at times then remember, oh there is nothing there. I even think I feel her move sometimes, but she is not there, and when that happens, I stop breathing and try so hard to hold on to that moment because I want it to be real so bad. But, it isn't. Nothing is how I wanted it, nothing is how it was supposed to be.
At least, nothing is how I thought it was supposed to be.
**edit, a fellow bumpie said this "I think the pain of an event like this is so severe, that even we women don't talk about it amongst ourselves... because there is nothing to talk about, I guess. There are no answers that comfort us, no explanations that make us feel better. A lost pregnancy is a time of mourning, but it isn't (at least it wasn't for me and my husband) a time when any comfort could be found."
I wanted to remember it.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
That was weird...
Yesterday was weird.
I went to lunch with two friends... ice cream in the evening with another... then to my nephew's (Sofia's dads sister's kids) birthday.
The lunch was nice... other than I had anxiety about being away from my house. They picked me up, so I was a passenger not in control of the destination, which didn't help. My one friend commented and said they felt pregnant (aka bloated), I replied that they did not know what that felt like (all while thinking I wish I could still feel that).
Ice cream was nice... I was picked up again. We parked in the downtown mall parking lot and walked to the circle. It was nice outside.
The birthday party was nice. I love that side of my family, and even though Sofia's dad and I aren't together anymore, I always will, and they always will be my family. My beautiful 2 year old step daughter, Yazmyn, was there. I guess before I had gotten there, she kept asking where I was and that she wanted me to hold her while they did the pinatas. She gets a little scared with loud noises. When I got there she ran up to me and jumped in my arms yelling, "LIIINNNDSSEEYYY!" I love her so much, and at that time I had the brief thought of, "Why won't I ever be able to have Sofia run up to me like that yelling 'MAMI!'" The thought was interrupted with Yazmyn giving me a puzzling look and asking, "Where were you at?"
There was food, music, family, and babies. Thank God for their lives and that they get to continue celebrating their birth. A little girl started crying, which is to be expected with the overwhelming amount of children there were, and Yazmyn noticed. She stopped dancing and kind of looked around for a moment until she spotted the solution to this little girls problem. Yazmyn ran over, grabbed a giant yellow balloon, and handed it to the little girl. In that moment, I was so proud of her, and couldn't help but think 'She would have been the best big sister.'
At the end, I loaded Yazmyn in to her Daddy's car, just like I always did. 'One arm in, two arms in, how many arms do you have?! TWO!' I told her I would see her later and she insisted on knowing where I was going. "Where you going? Up to your seat?" (referring to the front passenger seat). I replied, "No mama I am going home to my house..." She looked at me confused, "You mean to grandma's?" We would go to my mom's house often. "No, where your princess bed is, remember?" With a pondering look on her face she replied, "Oh..." I asked her to give me a kiss, "Dame un besito...love you." Which she replied with, "Love you too."
Time keeps moving on, birthdays keep happening, and people keep living. Praise God for that. But at this time, I am still stuck on July 10th.
Te quiero mucho Sofia, mi nina hermosa. Siempre estas en mi corazon, siempre estas conmigo.
-Mami
I went to lunch with two friends... ice cream in the evening with another... then to my nephew's (Sofia's dads sister's kids) birthday.
The lunch was nice... other than I had anxiety about being away from my house. They picked me up, so I was a passenger not in control of the destination, which didn't help. My one friend commented and said they felt pregnant (aka bloated), I replied that they did not know what that felt like (all while thinking I wish I could still feel that).
Ice cream was nice... I was picked up again. We parked in the downtown mall parking lot and walked to the circle. It was nice outside.
The birthday party was nice. I love that side of my family, and even though Sofia's dad and I aren't together anymore, I always will, and they always will be my family. My beautiful 2 year old step daughter, Yazmyn, was there. I guess before I had gotten there, she kept asking where I was and that she wanted me to hold her while they did the pinatas. She gets a little scared with loud noises. When I got there she ran up to me and jumped in my arms yelling, "LIIINNNDSSEEYYY!" I love her so much, and at that time I had the brief thought of, "Why won't I ever be able to have Sofia run up to me like that yelling 'MAMI!'" The thought was interrupted with Yazmyn giving me a puzzling look and asking, "Where were you at?"
There was food, music, family, and babies. Thank God for their lives and that they get to continue celebrating their birth. A little girl started crying, which is to be expected with the overwhelming amount of children there were, and Yazmyn noticed. She stopped dancing and kind of looked around for a moment until she spotted the solution to this little girls problem. Yazmyn ran over, grabbed a giant yellow balloon, and handed it to the little girl. In that moment, I was so proud of her, and couldn't help but think 'She would have been the best big sister.'
At the end, I loaded Yazmyn in to her Daddy's car, just like I always did. 'One arm in, two arms in, how many arms do you have?! TWO!' I told her I would see her later and she insisted on knowing where I was going. "Where you going? Up to your seat?" (referring to the front passenger seat). I replied, "No mama I am going home to my house..." She looked at me confused, "You mean to grandma's?" We would go to my mom's house often. "No, where your princess bed is, remember?" With a pondering look on her face she replied, "Oh..." I asked her to give me a kiss, "Dame un besito...love you." Which she replied with, "Love you too."
Time keeps moving on, birthdays keep happening, and people keep living. Praise God for that. But at this time, I am still stuck on July 10th.
Te quiero mucho Sofia, mi nina hermosa. Siempre estas en mi corazon, siempre estas conmigo.
-Mami
Saturday, July 16, 2011
...what now?
"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."
I replay that morning every single day, multiple times throughout the day. Seeing her held up, the first time I layed eyes on my beautiful baby girl, is the first and last thing I think of when I wake up and before I go to sleep.
It has been 6 days. Tomorrow will be one week.
I just cannot wrap my mind around what happened. Everyone, including myself, was so sure I was going to make it. My first goal was 24 weeks. I was 22 weeks and 3 days.
I had been having spotting and contracting. There were days where the contractions would only happen once or twice, but they always happened. My cervix was dialated to 1.5cm the night before, but the length was 4.7cm, which was awesome. Before the length was 2. something then 3. something...it just kept getting better. The amniotic fluid level was an 8, which is considered low, a level 12-15 would be ideal. At first, they said they thought I also had a low line placenta, but it eventually moved up as I grew. They thought maybe there was a small tear in the placenta, but it would have been too small to see. So, they had no idea why all of these things were happening.
Sofia, on the other hand, was absolutely perfect. She was measuring perfect, moving and kicking SO much, sometimes it even hurt! But, oh how I miss that feeling and would give anything to have that back. She was always moving. Her heartbeat was beautiful and strong. It always varied from 140s-160s BPM, and everytime the nurse would place the heart monitor on my stomach she would run away from it and hide, she just was not having all that pushing on her. Even when it was just me and her, sometimes I would be laying on my back looking at my little bump wondering when it was going to get bigger, and all of a sudden one side of my stomach would grow into this tiny little mound, while the other side stayed flat. She would do this a lot, but the moment you placed your hand there she moved. As I grew further along, and towards the end, she would do the same thing, or kick me really hard, and the moment I placed my hand on my belly she would stay there, right under my hand. I would fall asleep like this and if my hand moved I would feel her kick again. It was like she kept kicking and pushing to be like "Mom! Pay attention to me, hold me, would ya?"
I miss that so, so much.
I hate the fact that my stomach is flat, and that soon the milk will be gone. Then, everything will seemingly be "normal." Time will continue to move on...
I have no emotion to describe the feelings I felt when Sofia was being born. I keep searching for something...but it is truly indescribable. The moment they held her up, and I saw her for the first time, moving and kicking those long legs, like she always did...was indescribable. I begged them, "She is moving, she is perfect...Do something! Why isn't there anything you can do?..." My nurse looked at me and said, "The only thing you can do right now is hold her and love her." They placed Sofia on my chest, still kicking, and that is what I did, held her and loved her. She heard my heartbeat.
I have no words that can describe the feelings and emotions I had in those following moments. I couldn't see the people that were in the room...I couldn't hear anything... I couldn't do anything...
The nurses reassured me that I can hold her for as long as I wanted. And I did.
After a while, I know they had to ask me what arrangements I wanted to make... I had to sign her birth certificate papers, and shortly after sign her death certificate papers... I had to choose what kind of service to have...where to have it...when I wanted them to come and get her.
I never wanted them to come and get her, I never wanted them to take her from me. They asked if I wanted to leave before or after she had to go with them.
I never left her.
Monday, at 1:30PM... they came. I changed her and swaddled her. I gave her kisses and held her. For the last time. To say that moment was hard, would be an understatement.
My baby Sofia.
I didn't want to be in the hospital anymore, I didn't want to lay in the bed where I gave birth to her, I didn't want to be in that room.
As I was leaving, I don't think I've ever seen so many babies...or pregnant ladies... and of course, right by the door, a stroller.
I feel so empty...and I walk around thinking there is something I need to do...and I feel like I'm missing something...and I don't understand how everything and everyone goes on living 'normally' when I feel like it shouldn't. This is so unfair. I can't bring myself to even think of doing anything I wasn't allowed to do while pregnant.
I am at a loss for words.
Sofia is and always will be in my heart, there is not a moment I do not think about her. People keep saying it gets better...or they know how I feel... Sorry, but no you don't. Yes, time will go on, and yes things will go back to their routine, but nothing will ever be the same, I will never ever forget, I will never ever be the same.
They say I lost my baby
Although you were never misplaced
They say she is in a better place now
Was my home not good enough
They say I'll be able to have more children
I will never be able to replace you
They say I'll get back to my normal self
I will never be the person I was
They say nothing could have prevented this
In my eyes that will never be true
They say they know how I feel
I'll genuinely smile once more but the emptiness will stay
They say time will make it right
Time only helps ease my pain and lets me sleep at night
They say one day we'll meet again
Until then I'll just keep writing and talking to you in my mind
They say everything happens for a reason
Who are they to say
I replay that morning every single day, multiple times throughout the day. Seeing her held up, the first time I layed eyes on my beautiful baby girl, is the first and last thing I think of when I wake up and before I go to sleep.
It has been 6 days. Tomorrow will be one week.
I just cannot wrap my mind around what happened. Everyone, including myself, was so sure I was going to make it. My first goal was 24 weeks. I was 22 weeks and 3 days.
I had been having spotting and contracting. There were days where the contractions would only happen once or twice, but they always happened. My cervix was dialated to 1.5cm the night before, but the length was 4.7cm, which was awesome. Before the length was 2. something then 3. something...it just kept getting better. The amniotic fluid level was an 8, which is considered low, a level 12-15 would be ideal. At first, they said they thought I also had a low line placenta, but it eventually moved up as I grew. They thought maybe there was a small tear in the placenta, but it would have been too small to see. So, they had no idea why all of these things were happening.
Sofia, on the other hand, was absolutely perfect. She was measuring perfect, moving and kicking SO much, sometimes it even hurt! But, oh how I miss that feeling and would give anything to have that back. She was always moving. Her heartbeat was beautiful and strong. It always varied from 140s-160s BPM, and everytime the nurse would place the heart monitor on my stomach she would run away from it and hide, she just was not having all that pushing on her. Even when it was just me and her, sometimes I would be laying on my back looking at my little bump wondering when it was going to get bigger, and all of a sudden one side of my stomach would grow into this tiny little mound, while the other side stayed flat. She would do this a lot, but the moment you placed your hand there she moved. As I grew further along, and towards the end, she would do the same thing, or kick me really hard, and the moment I placed my hand on my belly she would stay there, right under my hand. I would fall asleep like this and if my hand moved I would feel her kick again. It was like she kept kicking and pushing to be like "Mom! Pay attention to me, hold me, would ya?"
I miss that so, so much.
I hate the fact that my stomach is flat, and that soon the milk will be gone. Then, everything will seemingly be "normal." Time will continue to move on...
I have no emotion to describe the feelings I felt when Sofia was being born. I keep searching for something...but it is truly indescribable. The moment they held her up, and I saw her for the first time, moving and kicking those long legs, like she always did...was indescribable. I begged them, "She is moving, she is perfect...Do something! Why isn't there anything you can do?..." My nurse looked at me and said, "The only thing you can do right now is hold her and love her." They placed Sofia on my chest, still kicking, and that is what I did, held her and loved her. She heard my heartbeat.
I have no words that can describe the feelings and emotions I had in those following moments. I couldn't see the people that were in the room...I couldn't hear anything... I couldn't do anything...
The nurses reassured me that I can hold her for as long as I wanted. And I did.
After a while, I know they had to ask me what arrangements I wanted to make... I had to sign her birth certificate papers, and shortly after sign her death certificate papers... I had to choose what kind of service to have...where to have it...when I wanted them to come and get her.
I never wanted them to come and get her, I never wanted them to take her from me. They asked if I wanted to leave before or after she had to go with them.
I never left her.
Monday, at 1:30PM... they came. I changed her and swaddled her. I gave her kisses and held her. For the last time. To say that moment was hard, would be an understatement.
My baby Sofia.
I didn't want to be in the hospital anymore, I didn't want to lay in the bed where I gave birth to her, I didn't want to be in that room.
As I was leaving, I don't think I've ever seen so many babies...or pregnant ladies... and of course, right by the door, a stroller.
I feel so empty...and I walk around thinking there is something I need to do...and I feel like I'm missing something...and I don't understand how everything and everyone goes on living 'normally' when I feel like it shouldn't. This is so unfair. I can't bring myself to even think of doing anything I wasn't allowed to do while pregnant.
I am at a loss for words.
Sofia is and always will be in my heart, there is not a moment I do not think about her. People keep saying it gets better...or they know how I feel... Sorry, but no you don't. Yes, time will go on, and yes things will go back to their routine, but nothing will ever be the same, I will never ever forget, I will never ever be the same.
They say I lost my baby
Although you were never misplaced
They say she is in a better place now
Was my home not good enough
They say I'll be able to have more children
I will never be able to replace you
They say I'll get back to my normal self
I will never be the person I was
They say nothing could have prevented this
In my eyes that will never be true
They say they know how I feel
I'll genuinely smile once more but the emptiness will stay
They say time will make it right
Time only helps ease my pain and lets me sleep at night
They say one day we'll meet again
Until then I'll just keep writing and talking to you in my mind
They say everything happens for a reason
Who are they to say
July 10, 2011
After all of the prayers, all of the worry, all of the joy, all of the love...
Sofia Hart Castillo was born July 10, 2011 at 6:56AM. 1.05 lbs. 10.5 in. She was perfect. She lived for a few short precious minutes, and for those minutes I held her and loved her. She went to live with God feeling only love, which is all we want our babies to feel.
I do not know why, nor do I understand. They do not know why I was bleeding or contracting, or why everything happened. She was absolutely perfect. I had just heard her heartbeat 20 minutes before. A strong 150s. I can still vividly remember every detail of that morning, but at the same time I keep wondering, 'what happened??' I was still in the hospital, on magnesium at this point to stop contractions, I got up to use the restroom, laid back in bed, and felt the weirdest feeling.
It felt like someone just poped a water balloon inside of my stomach; my water had broken.
Everything happened so fast, and I just remember begging and pleading for them to do something. "She is moving!! She is kicking!! Why can't you do anything?!....Give me something to make it stop! I can't stop...something is coming." My wonderful nurse and mother were the only people there. They delivered my baby. She was born. She was so so beautiful, and so perfect. Her little lungs just weren't ready. Two more weeks. I neededTWO more weeks.
July 14th, I would be 23 weeks pregnant with my first and only beautiful baby girl. But, July 14th was my baby's funeral.
I have no words to describe how I feel. Those of you who have children can fathom the love a mother has for a child. I never knew I would love anything of anyone so much. I am so thankful for that feeling. I, however, am not thankful for knowing the feeling it is to have your baby taken from you.
There is a song, by Natalie Grant, called Held. Please listen to it. There is a part in the beginning that says, "To think that providence would take a child from her mother while she prays, is appalling." Is how I feel at times. I prayed, I begged, that everything would be OK. When it came time, my OK, was not the OK God had in mind.
My mind is so foggy and just numb at the moment, I really do not have much more to say, but at the same time I have SO many things I want to say...I want to ask...
I want to leave you with something for Sofia, which I read at her service. People keep saying, 'I do not know how you did that.' If you are a mom, you know perfectly well how I was able to read that for my daughter Sofia, the same way any Mother knows she has to do something for her baby. She just does it.
One More Time
One more time
When I think of you
I always want one more time
To see you being placed in my arms
One more time
To hold you and stare at your beautiful face
One more time
To take all the picture I didn't get
One more time
To look at your tiny perfectly formed body
One more time
To see you cradled into my hands
One more time
To hold you close to me
One more time
To touch and smell your delicate skin
One more time
To have you baptized
One more time
To kiss your forehead and tell you goodbye
One more time
I've come to realize that when it comes to you, I will always want
One more time.
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