...what now?

‎"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth."


I replay that morning every single day, multiple times throughout the day.  Seeing her held up, the first time I layed eyes on my beautiful baby girl, is the first and last thing I think of when I wake up and before I go to sleep.


It has been 6 days.  Tomorrow will be one week.  


I just cannot wrap my mind around what happened.  Everyone, including myself, was so sure I was going to make it.  My first goal was 24 weeks.  I was 22 weeks and 3 days.  


I had been having spotting and contracting.  There were days where the contractions would only happen once or twice, but they always happened.  My cervix was dialated to 1.5cm the night before, but the length was 4.7cm, which was awesome.  Before the length was 2. something then 3. something...it just kept getting better.  The amniotic fluid level was an 8, which is considered low, a level 12-15 would be ideal.  At first, they said they thought I also had a low line placenta, but it eventually moved up as I grew.  They thought maybe there was a small tear in the placenta, but it would have been too small to see.  So, they had no idea why all of these things were happening.


Sofia, on the other hand, was absolutely perfect.  She was measuring perfect, moving and kicking SO much, sometimes it even hurt!  But, oh how I miss that feeling and would give anything to have that back.  She was always moving.  Her heartbeat was beautiful and strong.  It always varied from 140s-160s BPM, and everytime the nurse would place the heart monitor on my stomach she would run away from it and hide, she just was not having all that pushing on her.  Even when it was just me and her, sometimes I would be laying on my back looking at my little bump wondering when it was going to get bigger, and all of a sudden one side of my stomach would grow into this tiny little mound, while the other side stayed flat.  She would do this a lot, but the moment you placed your hand there she moved.  As I grew further along, and towards the end, she would do the same thing, or kick me really hard, and the moment I placed my hand on my belly she would stay there, right under my hand.  I would fall asleep like this and if my hand moved I would feel her kick again.  It was like she kept kicking and pushing to be like "Mom!  Pay attention to me, hold me, would ya?"


I miss that so, so much.


I hate the fact that my stomach is flat, and that soon the milk will be gone.  Then, everything will seemingly be "normal."  Time will continue to move on...


I have no emotion to describe the feelings I felt when Sofia was being born.  I keep searching for something...but it is truly indescribable.  The moment they held her up, and I saw her for the first time, moving and kicking those long legs, like she always did...was indescribable.  I begged them, "She is moving, she is perfect...Do something! Why isn't there anything you can do?..."  My nurse looked at me and said, "The only thing you can do right now is hold her and love her."  They placed Sofia on my chest, still kicking, and that is what I did, held her and loved her.  She heard my heartbeat.


I have no words that can describe the feelings and emotions I had in those following moments.  I couldn't see the people that were in the room...I couldn't hear anything... I couldn't do anything...  


The nurses reassured me that I can hold her for as long as I wanted.  And I did.  


After a while, I know they had to ask me what arrangements I wanted to make...  I had to sign her birth certificate papers, and shortly after sign her death certificate papers...  I had to choose what kind of service to have...where to have it...when I wanted them to come and get her.  


I never wanted them to come and get her, I never wanted them to take her from me.  They asked if I wanted to leave before or after she had to go with them.  


I never left her. 


Monday, at 1:30PM... they came.  I changed her and swaddled her.  I gave her kisses and held her.  For the last time.  To say that moment was hard, would be an understatement.  


My baby Sofia.


I didn't want to be in the hospital anymore,  I didn't want to lay in the bed where I gave birth to her, I didn't want to be in that room.  


As I was leaving, I don't think I've ever seen so many babies...or pregnant ladies... and of course, right by the door, a stroller.  


I feel so empty...and I walk around thinking there is something I need to do...and I feel like I'm missing something...and I don't understand how everything and everyone goes on living 'normally' when I feel like it shouldn't.  This is so unfair.  I can't bring myself to even think of doing anything I wasn't allowed to do while pregnant.  


I am at a loss for words.


Sofia is and always will be in my heart, there is not a moment I do not think about her.  People keep saying it gets better...or they know how I feel... Sorry, but no you don't.  Yes, time will go on, and yes things will go back to their routine, but nothing will ever be the same, I will never ever forget, I will never ever be the same.  


They say I lost my baby
Although you were never misplaced


They say she is in a better place now
Was my home not good enough


They say I'll be able to have more children
I will never be able to replace you


They say I'll get back to my normal self
I will never be the person I was


They say nothing could have prevented this
In my eyes that will never be true


They say they know how I feel
I'll genuinely smile once more but the emptiness will stay


They say time will make it right
Time only helps ease my pain and lets me sleep at night


They say one day we'll meet again
Until then I'll just keep writing and talking to you in my mind


They say everything happens for a reason
Who are they to say