After all of the prayers, all of the worry, all of the joy, all of the love...
Sofia Hart Castillo was born July 10, 2011 at 6:56AM. 1.05 lbs. 10.5 in. She was perfect. She lived for a few short precious minutes, and for those minutes I held her and loved her. She went to live with God feeling only love, which is all we want our babies to feel.
I do not know why, nor do I understand. They do not know why I was bleeding or contracting, or why everything happened. She was absolutely perfect. I had just heard her heartbeat 20 minutes before. A strong 150s. I can still vividly remember every detail of that morning, but at the same time I keep wondering, 'what happened??' I was still in the hospital, on magnesium at this point to stop contractions, I got up to use the restroom, laid back in bed, and felt the weirdest feeling.
It felt like someone just poped a water balloon inside of my stomach; my water had broken.
Everything happened so fast, and I just remember begging and pleading for them to do something. "She is moving!! She is kicking!! Why can't you do anything?!....Give me something to make it stop! I can't stop...something is coming." My wonderful nurse and mother were the only people there. They delivered my baby. She was born. She was so so beautiful, and so perfect. Her little lungs just weren't ready. Two more weeks. I neededTWO more weeks.
July 14th, I would be 23 weeks pregnant with my first and only beautiful baby girl. But, July 14th was my baby's funeral.
I have no words to describe how I feel. Those of you who have children can fathom the love a mother has for a child. I never knew I would love anything of anyone so much. I am so thankful for that feeling. I, however, am not thankful for knowing the feeling it is to have your baby taken from you.
There is a song, by Natalie Grant, called Held. Please listen to it. There is a part in the beginning that says, "To think that providence would take a child from her mother while she prays, is appalling." Is how I feel at times. I prayed, I begged, that everything would be OK. When it came time, my OK, was not the OK God had in mind.
My mind is so foggy and just numb at the moment, I really do not have much more to say, but at the same time I have SO many things I want to say...I want to ask...
I want to leave you with something for Sofia, which I read at her service. People keep saying, 'I do not know how you did that.' If you are a mom, you know perfectly well how I was able to read that for my daughter Sofia, the same way any Mother knows she has to do something for her baby. She just does it.
One More Time
One more time
When I think of you
I always want one more time
To see you being placed in my arms
One more time
To hold you and stare at your beautiful face
One more time
To take all the picture I didn't get
One more time
To look at your tiny perfectly formed body
One more time
To see you cradled into my hands
One more time
To hold you close to me
One more time
To touch and smell your delicate skin
One more time
To have you baptized
One more time
To kiss your forehead and tell you goodbye
One more time
I've come to realize that when it comes to you, I will always want
One more time.
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